Artie Lange Deathwatch Monitoring the Imminent Demise of Arthur Lange! In this section, we'll be using different formulas and observations to calculate Artie's forthcoming demise. We can't be completely scientific, as we don't have his blood pressure and cholesterol readings, but we can and will chart nutritional information of his favorite foods and more! TheSpark.com's Death Test has bad news for Mr. Lange. He can expect to die on October 23, 2020 at the ripe old age of 53. This is based on his lifestyle habits, and he will likely die of cancer, a heart attack or alcoholism. Updated! According to MSNBC.com's Real Age quiz, a scientific quiz that tells how quickly you're aging, Artie's "real age" is 48. Mind you, this is a man who was born in 1967! Thus, his hard living has aged him almost ten years beyond his time. We've unearthed documentation of Artie's infamous Los Angeles cocaine bust, which is detailed at TheSmokingGun.com. Artie was sentenced to probation and told to stay away from "undesirables." And still, he struck up a friendship with Stuttering John! That's got to be a violation of something. *Thanks to Joel for this link. On today's (6/13) Stern show we learned that Artie has 38% body fat. According to the American Council on Exercise, men with over 25% body far are considered obese. That puts Artie 13% beyond obese! According to the Harvard Medical School's Office of Diversity, American Indians have a life expectancy rate that is almost six years less than all other United States population groups. American Indians die at higher rates than other Americans from alcoholism (770%), tuberculosis (750%), diabetes (420%), accidents (280%), suicide (190%), and homicide (210%). (Indian Health Services: Facts on Indian Health Disparities). Sounds like Artie will be spending his casino money on hospital bills! This weekend (6/27), we made a trip to the infamous Uptown Pizzeria that Artie frequently mentions on the show. We believe a "good buddy" of his owns or runs the place. Located in the lovely hamlet that Artie calls home - Hoboken, New Jersey - Uptown is your basic tri-state area pizza joint. It's classed up a little because Hoboken is a yuppie enclave, but they serve your Ital basics: good pie, parm platters, calzones, nice antipasta, the works. We sampled Artie's oft mentioned favorite, the chicken parmesan sandwich. We concluded that while the parm was in fact, excellent, it carries an estimated calorie count of about 700 with about 200 plus calories from fat. Add on some garlic bread or a couple of slices and you've eaten your fill of calories for the day in one meal. Way to go Artie! You can see a photo of the sandwich below, which we'd like to mention again, was really tasty. A nice parm sandwich, antipasto, the Yanks... what more could Artie ask for?